I'm going to school

I am so excited! I am going back to school to get my Bachelors in Psychology! I will be able to finally help people the way I want to. I still aspire to become and RN and work in OB again, but I will focus on this for now. I am excited to have some busy work while Jason is deployed. I think doing as much as I can will make time go by faster. I am excited to spend some one on one time with Noelle, and be mommy and daughter. She amazes me! She is so precious. I know together we will make it through the trials ahead of us. I'm excited to grow and change as a person!

Its slow but its happening

We moved to Germany 3 months ago. When we moved here I despised it. I missed home and wanted to go back. I found myself pretty depressed for awhile. 3 months later however, I am feeling alot better. I've gotten into a routine which helps. I have met some amazing women. I know that if I didnt meet CaeDee, Sarah, and Kelly I wouldnt be getting along as well. Its amazing how much having a few friends helps. I still miss home alot, but I have realized that I can live here and be okay. I can maintain all of my roles here. I can be a sister, daughter, aunt, and friend it just takes more work. I will be going home in a month and I honestly now dont know if that will be the best thing for me. Nice to figure that out now huh? I want to see my family, but I wonder if it will be the same stress when I get back to Germany. Will I go though that same grieving preocess? I dont like to be down and depressed. I feel some guilt for leaving all of my new friends when their husbands will be leaving them also. I feel like as a military wife I should be here to help them through their bad days. I'm the type of person who would feel guilty about anything and everything if it showed itself. I just have to make sure when I am in the states I continue to be in these ladies lives as much as possible from far away. The deployment is looming, and everyday it gets one step closer. I know that several wives are going to be losing their husbands VERY soon. I am unsure how prepared I am for this. I feel pretty strong. I dont want him to go but I know that I cant stop it. I am excited with my decision to go back to school! I have a goal and am ready to get it started. I decided I am going to work toward a Bachelors of Science in Human Relations. I think it will open up alot of job opportunities. If I dont get pregnant in the next month then I am going to try and get a part time job on post. I am actually ready for all of the upcoming changes. I am ready to continue to get to know the friends I already have and meet and make many more. I have realized Germany isnt so bad!

a Day Full Of Laughter

Me and my little family had an amazing day. We got up and moved pretty slow this morning but eventually made it to the Nuremberg zoo. When we got there the parking was crazy. We saw an open space and pulled in only realizing it wasnt really a parking spot. It was a German trick. LOL. So we go to back out of the spot, and the car behind us zooms past and takes the spot 4 spots down. Grrrrrrr. We couldnt believe the assholes who were driving that van. We got our tickets, although it was a challenge "talking" to the German kasse (cashier). The first exhibit was kangaroos. There was a little bitty Joey. After that exhibit we went and saw some little baby monkeys, and then were off to the Giraffes. We were watching them and one starts to pee. That was funny in and of its self, but then another giraffe leans in and drinks the pee like it was a water fountain! We were laughing so hard. We all agreed that seeing that was worth the drive, and parking frustration. We decided to sit down and eat some icecream and drink a coke in front of the horses. We were just sitting there and we see one horse lean in and start licking another horse genitals! So we were cracking up once again! Not only were the animals funny but so were the people. We saw a man wearing Capris! Jason called them Manpris! HAHA! The last exhibit we went to were the baboons. We stood and watched them for at least 45 minutes. There were several new babies, and they were very entertaining. There was one pretty dominant male who like to show off his penis. This baboon followed the girls around trying to get a piece the whole time. He only liked the girls who played hard to get though. He had one girl flashing her pink butt in his face and he didnt want any part of it. She walked in front of his face and stuck her finger in her butt to try and get him to notice. LOL. He could care less. After several failed attempts at humping many different girls he gave up and decided to masturbate. There was a baboon totally flashing his weiner, and stroking it. We were laughing so damn hard, and Jason was about to cry. At one point the big male followed a female to the highest point of a tree and mounted her there. To some this would sound perverse I guess, but to us it was just freaking funny. We havent laughed that hard and long in a long time!

To be or not to be preggo

That is the question! If I follow my heart I can honestly say I most definitely want to get preggo. If I follow my head I am so unsure. I wish I could matter of factly say I would be okay pregnant while Jason was gone. I am concerned because of my Lupus. It can drag me down, and drag me down fast and hard. I worry that if pregnancy does not happen now I will be getting to old to add another addition. I also selfishly I guess want to get pregnant to prove that I could do it, and handle it with grace. I guess leaving it in Gods hands is the way to go. I know that if he feels I can handle it then he will allow it to happen. I guess when other people start to doubt me and my decisions, then I start to doubt them as well. I have few people in my life who think this is a wise idea.

In Pain

I am so tired of being in pain. I feel like I am trapped in my own body. It places restrictions on what I can do, and what I can enjoy. I yearn to sleep tonight but I cant. I lay in pain, my legs burning. Every pressure point on my body throbbs. I feel like if I were a million seperate pieces I could rest peacefully. I cry because I dont know what else to do. What do you do when even medication does not ease the pain? I just want to be free of Lupus. Free from the chains it has placed on my exsistence.

Today is Mothers Day

and it has been wonderful so far. I loved waking up to the whispers of Noelle and Jason discussing their plans for the morning. I loved getting up and listening to Noelle run and tell Daddy that Mommy was awake. I loved the joy on her face as I read her card, and opened my gift. I am so blessed to be the mother to this wonderful little girl. She is so beautiful inside and out. I compare her to other kids and I am just blown away at how much better her behavior is than others. She is an amazing individual. My husband is such a fabulous man as well. They succeeded at making me feel super important.

The things that make you go Hmmmm

I found out yesterday that the Dr I used to work for in TN was found NOT GUILTY. I guess that is a great thing for his family, but I feel indifferent about it. The man was accused of rape and sexual abuse in Pennsylvania and then moved to TN and was charged with the same offenses. I guess because there was no physical evidence they couldnt really find him guilty. The jury only had the patients words to base their verdict on. I was laid off after he was charged and I feel that they did that on purpose. They knew that I was skeptical of the situation. I get angry to think that he may of possibly violated these young men and is walking free. It angers me to know that nurses were put on the stand and blatantly lied about what was happening. I guess it is over until the civil suit. I am interested to know if he will really be free.
I find myself extremely angry at my brother, and mother. They both have drug addiction problems. My mom is so high most of the time she cant even talk. My brother breaks into houses and steals medicine. He broke into the safe at my parents house the other day and my Dad wanted to call the cops and was told No by my Mom. It makes me mad because he is never going to learn if he doesnt have some consequences to his actions. He is an idiot. He has a infant baby girl, and fiancee and still acts like a moron. He is destroying his life, and they are going to go down with him. My family sits and watches what is happening and doesnt say a word. Its like they are aliens or something. I guess their thinking is "if we dont acknowledge what is happening then it cant be reality". So they are choosing to sit and watch both of them slowly kill themselves. I feel helpless because I am here in Germany and so far away. They like the fact that I am 9000 miles away because when I am there I make sure everyone knows what they are up too. We have been going through this with my brother since he was 15, and he is now 21. He has been in and out of rehab facilites, and psych wards. I think he needs to be turned in to the cops and placed in jail, to experience that for awhile. What he doesnt need is someone cleaning up his mess constantly. He doesnt need enablers and thats what he is surrounded by. Grrrrrrr it makes me cringe. I am going home for the summer and hope for their sake that things are taken care of. I'm tired of one family member destroying our family. He needs a good swift kick in the ass!

Trying to find myself

I'm not sure when I lost who I was. I lost me somewhere and am having a hard time getting me back. I struggle daily with making it through the tasks to get through a day. I realize looking back that I started losing pieces of myself when we moved to TN. Our life in TN was stressful. I lost a huge part of myself when Jason turned to another woman for emotional support. At that time I felt inadequate as a wife. I felt that if I was doing my job correctly he wouldnt have sought out someone else for comfort. Soon after repairing our marriage I lost my job. That came as another blow to my ego. I always had pride in my job as a nurse. I know that Leconte wasnt the best place to settle on when looking for a job. I can say that in hindsight. Who knew everything that was going to happen while working there. Trying to find a job after getting laid off was demoralizing. Sending out 80+ applications/resumes, and never hearing anything was difficult to accept. I always felt I was good at my job. I took my career seriously, and really had nothing to show for it. I was an unemplyed nurse. Getting no calls for job offers really destroyed me. Soon after this Jason decided that he wanted to go into the army. Ultimately this was a mutual decision for us. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to find a career that he really loved, and enjoyed. I lost more pieces of me when he left. At the time we had to live with my grandparents. Living there I had a up close and personal visual of their life. I began to see my grandparents in a different light. They were so unhappy with eachother and that carried into my life. I now have a hard time thinking about my grandfather in a loving manner. Its hard to accept the fact that the grandparents you knew and loved so much werent what they appeared. Living there and having Jason gone was hard. I held alot of guilt. I knew that living there took alot away from Noelle. That last thing I ever wanted to do was see her get hurt or stiffled. I think I felt more guilt than neccessary but thats me and how i think. Becoming an Army wife, Army mother was extremely difficult. Once again I felt I lost more of me. I had few options to grow and change. I had to be a mother and father, and hold us all together. I had to make sure that Noelle was getting everything she needed, and that Jason was emotionally and mentally okay. Somehow I forgot about myself. On the tails of my grandparents divorce I decided it was best to move back home to IL. Once again a stressful situation and experience. During that move I had alot of anxiety and anger. I was angry that after a year I was moving back to IL, and doing it essentially by myself. I was moving into a home without my husband. I felt that after everything we had went through I deserved to have a husband there to take care of me. I deserved a break. Being in the military I know now that there are few breaks for the spouses. We deal with alot. We deal with more than I can deal with I feel sometimes. Living at home again I was exposed to the drama and craziness that my family has become. The problems I ran to TN from were back in the core of my life again. Seeing my mom and how she deals with issues kills me. It hurts me from the inside out to see how much she has changed since I was a little girl. It pains me to see how our family has changed. Being home again though I had a place. I was a sister, daughter, and a friend. Those were areas of my life I needed back. Most of all I was an Aunt. I was an Aunt to two beautiful little girls. I fell in love with them immediately. I was beyond excited to be a part of their lives. Unfortuantely due to the military I knew I would be leaving them soon. We left to move to Germany at the end of February. Living here has not been enjoyable for me. I dont fit in here. I miss my home. Moving here was like the icing on the cake so to speak. Moving here was the last piece of the puzzle. That last piece has done me in. I have a tremendous amount of guilt living here. I cant be the sister, aunt, daughter, or friend that I need to be from here. I get emails from my sister-n-law crying out that she needs me. My sister tells me she needs me. I know they need me but I cant be there. I cant give them what they need. I need them as much as they need me. I need to be there so my nieces dont forget who I am. When they forget me, it will destroy me. Moving here I feel like I have lost so much. I no longer have my career. I no longer have a purpose it seems in this life of mine. Jason and Noelle mean the world to me, and I am failing them as well. As stupid as it sounds I feel like if Jason loves me he wouldnt leave me. The Army is going to take him away and I will be without one more person who defines who I am. I will be without my best friend. I will be without the one person who knows me best. I hope by typing out these revelations it will help me. Help me figure out what is destroying me. Help me climb out of this black hole I find myself in. I cant be a good person like this. I realize I need to figure me out.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Something is wrong with me. I dont feel right. I dont feel like me. I feel like a ghost just walking through life, watching everyone else live. I dont feel whole, or alive. I feel very empty, and transparent. I feel broken.

A rat in a cage

Do you ever feel like the walls around you are closing in? Do you feel like you have no freedom? I feel as I sit in this hotel room, that I am losing my breath. I feel as if the ceiling is hovering above me, and the walls are closing. I feel like I am suffocating. I have never had a moment such as this where I am stuck in one place. I have always had a vehicle I could run to and get away. Being here on this base with no car, and living in a hotel has been so hard. I need my space. I need my own space. I need my family. I need my friends. Living 9000 miles from home is a lonely feeling. I am blessed to be here with my loving husband, and wonderful daughter, but that doesnt fill the loss in my heart from leaving my mother, father, sisters, brothers, nieces, and amazing friends. Sometimes when I felt I needed to run away, I could run to a friends house. I could call someone and vent, and feel better. Here I am having to depend on people I dont know. Sometimes I get tired of hearing people say to "enjoy the adventure". I plan to get out, and about and enjoy myself, but that doesnt help with being away from home. That doesnt replace the kisses, and hugs I am missing from my little babies. I hear my husband say "I wish I could make you happy", and it infuriates me. This has nothing to do with my happiness within my marriage, with him. I wish he knew how happy he makes me. Alot of this insecurity has to do with Jason leaving me in a few months. He is going to be deployed and I am going to be alone again. I cannot find calmness in that reality. I cannot be okay with that reality. Me being an army wife is new. Its 8 months new. I still dont feel that this is the life for me, but I work through those feelings to make the best of what my life is right now. I dont like being a part-time wife. I am a full-time mother, but a part-time wife. I want to be the best wife possible. When Jason is gone to training and soon a deployment I dont feel like a wife. When I walk beside him in his ACU's and I cant hold his hand I dont feel like a wife. I cannot help but feel so empty. I hate to sound selfish but I want some part of my life to be about me. I want to be spoiled. I know that makes me sound so nasty but thats what I want. Since Jason joined the Army, I dont feel like I attribute anything. I feel like I have lost pieces of myself. I feel like my entire focus has to be on Jason and Noelle, and taking care of everything in the household. I cant think about my career and what I want to do with it. I cant ever be by myself. I am so emotionally broken right now from leaving my family and friends, and then in 3 months I will be without a husband, and in a foreign country. It is terrifying.

A change in me?

I started working out last Monday. I went 5 days last week and feel great. Well physically I feel like crap because I am so out of shape, but internally I feel wonderfully. Amazing how taking an hour out of your day to do something to better yourself makes you feel so great! I hope to see physical results soon, but I am enjoying the self esteem boost this is giving me. I am trying hard not to focus on the numbers shown to me on the scale, but thats hard sometimes. I am trying however to focus on how I feel. How do my clothes feel? That is what I need to pay attention to. I am tryng hard to lose these mounds of excess weight, so I can get healthy enough to try for that little boy we want so badly. I have to be physically healthy for me and him. Not to mention when I get this extra 60 pounds off I will feel pretty again. I feel so disgusted with myself as I am right now. I dont know how my hubby looks at me naked. I dont like to look at myself naked at all. I feel a change within me however, and that excites me. I feel good about the positive changes I am starting. I want to be that sexy blonde girl, Jason met 12 years ago. When he comes back from deployment I want him to never leave again. I will get there, eventually.

We made it to Germany

I am sitting on the hotel floor here in Germany. We got off the plane onto German soil yesterday morning. I walked off the plane and wanted to run back on. I was scared of all things unfamiliar. I am happy to be here with my husband and daughter, but I miss the rest of my family I left behind. I feel so out of place here. We were told we will be in the hotel for quite some time, as the waiting list is in the 70's. That should be an experience. I went on my first real trip to the Commisary today. My first trip as a military wife, living on base. That was exciting I guess. I feel a bit depressed, and I dont know if that is jet lag, or all of the emotions related to the move. I cant stop looking forward to Jasons deployment and freaking out. I think goodness I am so unhappy right now, I cant imagine doing this without him here. I planned on traveling around Europe but now I am terrified. I see how people get comfortable on base and never want to leave. Its definitely a whole new world out there. I miss home....Alot.

I'm freaking the flip out! Calm me down please!

OMG we are supposed to fly out to Germany on the 28th. So far however we are not on the hubbys orders. So we are waiting to hear back from Germany! WTF! Right now we are at a stand still. I cant do anything and its driving me crazy! I want to pull my hair out! Literally! Less than 3 weeks and we have not contacted the company that picks up our household goods...our car needs taken to port..we need our no fee passports done. None of this we can do without these damn orders! My landlord called tonight and she has a new tenant to move in on the 1st because we were supposed to be flying to Germany. Gah! So I am going to have to hurt someone if we dont get these ammended orders. We called the airline today and found out that our flight time is full and we cant fly our pets with us. Grrrrrrr. So we have to have a new plan. Also they are going to cost 400 dollars to fly. I am aggravated, and irritated, that we are at this point! Trying to stay positivr but its hard. Trying to give my worries to God but that to is hard when the hits keep coming. :(

He's Home

We finally made it home, and I have my husband with me. It feels amazing to fall asleep with him and wake up next to him in the morning. There has been so much emptiness, and loneliness over the past 8 months. Having him here seems to erase all of that. I feel blessed to have my husband, and my daughter. I know that with them I can walk through life. I am excited for our future.

We're going to fight

GAH!!!!! We found out today that Jason may not be able to leave Ft. Sam. Jason graduates tomorrow, and is supposed to leave with us to drive home. However the Army says "NO"! He got his paper orders on Monday and they said "Unaccompanied pending medical screen". So I sent the EFMP papers through fax on Tuesday and they were sent to Germany (i guess). Jason also had to extend his contract for 2 months, so the new prders had to be done due to that also. So we find out today that he will have to stay here until the new orders are cut. That is such an inconvienence!!! We are already so strapped for cash with this trip and the upcoming move. Now I am going to have to figure out how to pay for more hotel rooms, food, and gas. If his orders dont get cut tomorrow we will have to stay through the weekend until Monday. My daughter is already missing 4 days of school this week due to the original dates for this trip. I dont want her to miss much more school. Jason is supposed to report for hometown recruiting on Monday also. I am so frustrated! Also I sat for 3 hours today waiting to see him for "family day". We finally got him and he had to be back in 2 1/2 hours! We hardly got to see eachother at all. I am ready to throw a temper tantrum due to all of this! How long can they keep my husband? Also I would go ahead and leave to drive home tomorrow, but we cant afford to fly Jason home later, and the Army wont pay for his travel home. Pisses me off!

Traveling to TX and other stuff....

I left yesterday to journey to San Antonio TX to pick up my hubby. It was a 900+ mile trip...GAH! Me and Noelle left yesterday at 6 a.m. and stopped in Mt Pleasant, TX for the night after 8 1/2 hours. Yesterday the car ride went really smooth. I didnt have much trouble staying awake. We stayed in a Comfort Inn and the front desk lady was the nicest lady I have ever met. She acted like she really liked her job. You dont run into many poeple who genuinely like their job anymore. She really made us comfortable and Noelle loved her. She gave Noelle free popcorn and cookies, so of course Noelle thought she was nice. We got up and ate breakfast at the hotel. Noelle had a huge waffle, in the shape of TX. We thought that was really neat and took a picture of it. Noelle also got to see her very first palm tree and thought that was awesome. We got up and finished our trip this morning at 8:30 a.m. We arrived at our hotel at 3 p.m. The GPS took me off of the interstate and onto some crazy highways through little podunk towns. Got to San Antonio and it is crazy busy here. Cars flying everywhere! Tomorrow I have my fingers crossed that I will get to see my hubby, but its the Armys ultimate decision. Hoping we get to see him and get our No Fee passport ordered.
We have gotten some stuff done for our upcoming trip to Germany. Jasons orders are in the process of being ammended, so we can fly with him. We have our plane ticket booked! Its all becoming more real. Its scary but exciting!

I feel so blessed

Do you ever feel like everything is just amazing? I have been married for almost 10 years and only in this past year have I truely felt happy. I attribute all of this happiness to GOD. I know that without him showing himself a year ago and becoming such a big part of our lives I wouldnt be married anymore. I have never felt so loved and in love as I do at this moment. I truly know now what LOVE feels like. Marriage is difficult. There is nothing "easy" about it. One of the keys to a successful marriage is teamwork. You have to be a team in every adventure and every battle. If someone is selfish and self loathing it wont work. I am amazed at how much someone changes from there twenties to there thirties. I understand why so many young marriages fail. Maturity is a big factor in the success of a marriage also.
For 9 years of our marriage God was not the center of our focus or our lives, and it showed. We struggled greatly. I am thankful that we found Pathways church and settled into the family there. I give major props to Pastor Brent Freeman and his family for welcoming us with open arms and really making us feel at home. I am beyond excited that I convinced Jason to go to this church after I had been a couple times. Brent runs a different kind of ship at Pathways. His preaching is amazing, and he is so down to earth.
Jason has turned into such a Godly man and it is so amazing to see the transformation. He thanks God daily, and talks so openly about him and what he has done for us. We realize we are blessed, and we love how secure that feels.
My marriage is great. I have a beautiful, healthy little girl. I am on the journey to a more healthy lifestyle. I am figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. The best part is we are talking about having another baby! That is a huge milestone in our life because we swore we would never have another baby. I think it will be amazing to create another life when we are so in love with eachother. I know that this experience will be amazing. I am excited about life and what it has to offer. I am ready to experience everything. As long as I have God, Jason, and Noelle I am complete.

Mind is running on hyperdrive...

OMG I am laying here bawling. I just feel so overwhelmed with life right now. Have you ever felt like you were suffocating? Gaaaahhhh! In less than a month Jason will be in Germany. The stressful part is I don't know if me and Noelle will be with him. I would have some comfort and peace of mind if I knew for sure. Right now I am stuck. I cant do anything else until Jason graduates. My hands are tied and its driving me crazy. There's EFMP crap that needs to be sent to Germany but I cant find anyone to send it. Hmmmm. I have my trip to TX in the midst of everything to see my hubby graduate. This trip is a cost that we really don't have the money for with the upcoming move. I am letting some bills slide to make sure I have the cash for our trip. Once I get to TX I will have to deal with the Army run-a-round. Gotta love that. Plus I have the constant drama with my family...my Mom. I wish I could depend on her to talk to and help me through all this emotionally, but I can't. So anyway gonna continue to stress and pray. I need to learn to give my worries to God, but I have difficulty with that. Really I know worrying about everything isn't going to change the outcome. When I have my husbands arms wrapped around me again, I will feel some relief.

Who do I want to be?

I am almost 30 years old and still do not know what I want to do with my life. I am the type of person who puts everyone first and doesn't think of myself. I had my daughter before I had a career. Not the best plans in the world but even 8 years ago I didn't know who I wanted to be. When Noelle was 15 months I went to nursing school. I never thought of going into the nursing field until I had my daughter. I loved my L&D nurse and she really touched my life. I went to school for 1 year and eventually got my LPN license. That year was SO hard, going to school all day and taking care of my daughter at night while the hubby worked 2nd shift. I felt accomplished and felt like I finally was doing something I wanted to do. The beginning of my career was very fulfilling. I actually LOVED it. I worked with a OBGYN Dr. and loved the relationships I built with these women. I felt like I was making a difference in peoples lives. I left that job for a 4 dollar an hr increase at a Family Practice/Acute Care Clinic. I loved the people I worked with but didn't enjoy the patients. It has been that way for about 3 years now. So I have been unemployed for almost a year and am trying to figure out what I want to do. I have passion for people. I know that I want to help people. I am considering going to school for humanitarian work, or social services. I am taking Medical Transcriptions courses, but I HATE it. It is so boring and doesn't challenge me at all. I hope I can figure out who I am and where God wants me to be placed in this world.

Penquins

I'm watching "Happy Feet" with my daughter and the penguin is fascinating if you think about it. They search and find their one true love, and stay together forever. How amazing is a love like that? I wonder how out of all the black and white tuxedos the penguin knows where to find their family? The penguin female and male are away from each other for months, while the female searches for food. The father takes care of the egg, and the child once it hatches. How backward is that from our society?
For some reason in our society it is seen as the woman's job to care for the child while the man "hunts". Do you think God gave us this intellect? How did we get this mentality?
Then my mind wanders to what if we as humans were all the same? What if there weren't different colors, and nationalities? Would we as the human race know how to find our loved one? Would we just act stupid and still fight because we were the same. I have a feeling that there would still be those individuals that even though they looked like everyone else; they would have to exercise their superiority.
The way the penguin goes through life is really honorable. It shows their character, and intelligence.
I don't know where any of this is going exactly. I guess just me typing out what I think, and what I wonder.

Today is the day!

After 14 LONG days I will get to here Jason's voice again. It has been misery not having my hubby, my best friend to talk to every night. I miss him terribly and feel so lost when I have no communication. So I am patiently waiting for that call or text today. Patiently is very loosely written. LOL.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is very hard for some people to grasp. Sometimes its easier to say "I'm Sorry" than it is to fully forgive someone. I find that often times people hold on to grudges and cant set themselves free.
I was reading in Genesis last night about Joseph and his brothers. Because Jacob favored Joseph his brothers were jealous. Joesph had two dreams and in them people were bowing down to him, his brothers, and father included. This made his brothers even more mad. They decided to sell him to some travelers, and put sheep's blood on his robe to make it look like he was attacked. Because his brothers did this Joseph actually led a very fulfilled life with the Pharaoh. There came a time when Josephs brothers went into Egypt in search of grain for there family. They bowed before Joseph (not knowing it was him). Joesph helped them by giving back the money they paid for grain, along with the grain. In the end Joseph ends up letting them know that it was him all along. Josephs father dies, and the brothers are worried that Joseph will take revenge for all of their wrong doings. Instead Joesph tells them that he forgives them. He says because of his forgiveness look at all of the fortune that has been given.
I began to really think about forgiveness and what good can come from fully forgiving. It may be hard, and difficult in the beginning, but it really is the best thing to do. Love one another. Try and see the good in everyone. While something is said to you that makes no sense and hurts you, try and see where the individual is coming from. Sometimes there are a lot of internal and external factors to why someone acts a certain way. I hope that I can always take these Bible verses, and apply them to my life right now.

I dont get it?

Is there ever someone in your life that you dont think will ever understand you? I do! I dont understand where she is coming from ever! We used to be so clase and had a wonderful relationship and now its almost obselete. It hurts so much because its my Mom. The one person I need right now is constantly putting me down, and picking fights. Sometimes I dont even recognize her anymore. She has changed so much in the past 8 years. Sometimes it feels like she is two different people. I am at the point where I just want to give up and throw in the towel. I dont know how to get thru to her or make her understand what she is doing.

Grrrrrr

Today I am hating being a military wife. All of the paperwork, and stress of trying to get everything done so me and Noelle can be on that plane with Jason is really wearing me down. I have so many questions and I get so few answers, or I get a million conflicting answers! I called a OCONUS woman to find out where to send our medical paperwork, and she proceeds to tell me that unless Jason re-enlists and extends we cant go with him. WTH! I burst into tears. I feel like I get 2 steps ahead and am making progress and then we get that thrown at us. Basically he has to have 36 months left on his contract in order for us to go with him, and he will only have 34 months. I feel like the Army is forcing us to re-enlist. At this point in time we are just trying to finish our 3 years and move on to a new chapter of our life. At this point in time we dont want to extend the time in the Army. I am so angry and confused, and I just want to talk to Jason and I cant, because he is in the stupid field. Days like this I want my life back. I want my husband home with me at night. I just want to talk to my best friend.
Oh and I had a friend ask me if Jason joined the Army as a cop out...WTH! Are you serious? Even if you were thinking that why would you say it. I dont feel that I should have to explain the decisions we made as a family to everyone all the time. Sometimes its okay to step out of your comfort zone and experience something new and different. Yeah you may not like it after you try it, but at least you have that on your lists of accomplishments. Its just been a rough day and I need to hear "I love you" from a man I cant talk too.

The Message

I went and bought "The Message/Solo" Devotional study Bible and read the 1st lesson today. It was awesome! Usually I dont understand the Bible or what is going on, but this Bible is written in this day and time. I could follow what was written, and then it asked you questions and made you think. I spent 45 minutes studying the word. I felt closer to God and that was great too. I hope that every night is as good as this one. I know that this year is going to be tough and I am going to need God right beside me helping me get thru the days.

Missin him and my Army life thus far

So I am a new military wife, and am in the learning process. My hubby joined the Army and left June 30th for basic training. Those first few weeks without him were hard, and numbing really. I had been married for 9 1/2 years and together with my hubby for 11. We were rarely apart. The first few days of having him gone I felt empty, scared, mad, lonely, and so on and so on. I think I felt every emotion humanly possible. I started getting letters weekly, and I would get a 10 minute phone call every Sunday , and I just dealt with his abscence. He graduated from basic on September 11th. I was a nervouse wreck. When I finally saw him standing at attention in his ACU's I was so proud. I just wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around him. Once I finally got to be with him it felt horribly awkward. I hadnt seen or really talked to him in 9 weeks. I didnt know what to do. It felt like I was meeting him for the first time all over again. I was afraid that he was different, and felt different about me. My MIL and BIL took my daughter to the store when we got back to the hotel so we could be alone. The first few minutes alone were strange. My hubby finally asked me if I was okay. I told him it was just wierd and different. Once he kissed me though everything came back. I was no longer nervous or scared...I was happy. When he had to leave again it was horrible as expected. He journeyed on to AIT and this experience was different. Now I got to talk to him everyday, and text. He could use the computer to chat. It was amazing but caused problems sometimes too. I found that being able to talk to him all the time made me angry some days. I got mad that he could talk to me but he couldnt be here if that makes sense. We spent 3 months apart and then the hubby came home for Christmas Exodus. That 2 weeks was awesome! The awkwardness that I felt during basic wasnt there at all. I was just so excited to have him home, playing the hubby and Daddy role again. I had him there to lay with me at night, and play with our daughter. I had a reason to cook a big meal and shave my legs. I had someone to take out the trash! We all fell into our roles within our family unit and I loved it. Then day 15 came around and he had to leave again. It was hard. I have to say that this good bye was easier than the basic graduation but it was hard none the less. So now he has been in the field for 11 days and their is no contact. No phone calls, no letters, no texts and I hate it. I miss him like crazy. I miss having my best friend to talk to every night. I can handle not seeing him but taking away my communication is not okay.
Do I like being a Army wife? I dont know. In the beginning I HATED it. It was a change and change is never easy. I cant say I love it...I for sure dont love it. I am about 20% right now. I am hoping that once I am on a Army base with other wives I will enjoy the experience more. Right now I am 900 miles away from my husband taking care of my little girl by myself, around people who dont understand what I am going thru. I have friends who question my situation, and that makes me angry. I do have a newfound respect and understanding for military wives, and spouses. This life is difficult. There is alot of pressure on the spouse to take care of everything while their soldier protects the world. I am beyond proud of my hubby. I love him more today than 6 months ago. I am still trying to be a Army wife. I hope I get there someday but if I dont I will have definitly given it my all.