A rat in a cage

Do you ever feel like the walls around you are closing in? Do you feel like you have no freedom? I feel as I sit in this hotel room, that I am losing my breath. I feel as if the ceiling is hovering above me, and the walls are closing. I feel like I am suffocating. I have never had a moment such as this where I am stuck in one place. I have always had a vehicle I could run to and get away. Being here on this base with no car, and living in a hotel has been so hard. I need my space. I need my own space. I need my family. I need my friends. Living 9000 miles from home is a lonely feeling. I am blessed to be here with my loving husband, and wonderful daughter, but that doesnt fill the loss in my heart from leaving my mother, father, sisters, brothers, nieces, and amazing friends. Sometimes when I felt I needed to run away, I could run to a friends house. I could call someone and vent, and feel better. Here I am having to depend on people I dont know. Sometimes I get tired of hearing people say to "enjoy the adventure". I plan to get out, and about and enjoy myself, but that doesnt help with being away from home. That doesnt replace the kisses, and hugs I am missing from my little babies. I hear my husband say "I wish I could make you happy", and it infuriates me. This has nothing to do with my happiness within my marriage, with him. I wish he knew how happy he makes me. Alot of this insecurity has to do with Jason leaving me in a few months. He is going to be deployed and I am going to be alone again. I cannot find calmness in that reality. I cannot be okay with that reality. Me being an army wife is new. Its 8 months new. I still dont feel that this is the life for me, but I work through those feelings to make the best of what my life is right now. I dont like being a part-time wife. I am a full-time mother, but a part-time wife. I want to be the best wife possible. When Jason is gone to training and soon a deployment I dont feel like a wife. When I walk beside him in his ACU's and I cant hold his hand I dont feel like a wife. I cannot help but feel so empty. I hate to sound selfish but I want some part of my life to be about me. I want to be spoiled. I know that makes me sound so nasty but thats what I want. Since Jason joined the Army, I dont feel like I attribute anything. I feel like I have lost pieces of myself. I feel like my entire focus has to be on Jason and Noelle, and taking care of everything in the household. I cant think about my career and what I want to do with it. I cant ever be by myself. I am so emotionally broken right now from leaving my family and friends, and then in 3 months I will be without a husband, and in a foreign country. It is terrifying.