Trying to find myself

I'm not sure when I lost who I was. I lost me somewhere and am having a hard time getting me back. I struggle daily with making it through the tasks to get through a day. I realize looking back that I started losing pieces of myself when we moved to TN. Our life in TN was stressful. I lost a huge part of myself when Jason turned to another woman for emotional support. At that time I felt inadequate as a wife. I felt that if I was doing my job correctly he wouldnt have sought out someone else for comfort. Soon after repairing our marriage I lost my job. That came as another blow to my ego. I always had pride in my job as a nurse. I know that Leconte wasnt the best place to settle on when looking for a job. I can say that in hindsight. Who knew everything that was going to happen while working there. Trying to find a job after getting laid off was demoralizing. Sending out 80+ applications/resumes, and never hearing anything was difficult to accept. I always felt I was good at my job. I took my career seriously, and really had nothing to show for it. I was an unemplyed nurse. Getting no calls for job offers really destroyed me. Soon after this Jason decided that he wanted to go into the army. Ultimately this was a mutual decision for us. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to find a career that he really loved, and enjoyed. I lost more pieces of me when he left. At the time we had to live with my grandparents. Living there I had a up close and personal visual of their life. I began to see my grandparents in a different light. They were so unhappy with eachother and that carried into my life. I now have a hard time thinking about my grandfather in a loving manner. Its hard to accept the fact that the grandparents you knew and loved so much werent what they appeared. Living there and having Jason gone was hard. I held alot of guilt. I knew that living there took alot away from Noelle. That last thing I ever wanted to do was see her get hurt or stiffled. I think I felt more guilt than neccessary but thats me and how i think. Becoming an Army wife, Army mother was extremely difficult. Once again I felt I lost more of me. I had few options to grow and change. I had to be a mother and father, and hold us all together. I had to make sure that Noelle was getting everything she needed, and that Jason was emotionally and mentally okay. Somehow I forgot about myself. On the tails of my grandparents divorce I decided it was best to move back home to IL. Once again a stressful situation and experience. During that move I had alot of anxiety and anger. I was angry that after a year I was moving back to IL, and doing it essentially by myself. I was moving into a home without my husband. I felt that after everything we had went through I deserved to have a husband there to take care of me. I deserved a break. Being in the military I know now that there are few breaks for the spouses. We deal with alot. We deal with more than I can deal with I feel sometimes. Living at home again I was exposed to the drama and craziness that my family has become. The problems I ran to TN from were back in the core of my life again. Seeing my mom and how she deals with issues kills me. It hurts me from the inside out to see how much she has changed since I was a little girl. It pains me to see how our family has changed. Being home again though I had a place. I was a sister, daughter, and a friend. Those were areas of my life I needed back. Most of all I was an Aunt. I was an Aunt to two beautiful little girls. I fell in love with them immediately. I was beyond excited to be a part of their lives. Unfortuantely due to the military I knew I would be leaving them soon. We left to move to Germany at the end of February. Living here has not been enjoyable for me. I dont fit in here. I miss my home. Moving here was like the icing on the cake so to speak. Moving here was the last piece of the puzzle. That last piece has done me in. I have a tremendous amount of guilt living here. I cant be the sister, aunt, daughter, or friend that I need to be from here. I get emails from my sister-n-law crying out that she needs me. My sister tells me she needs me. I know they need me but I cant be there. I cant give them what they need. I need them as much as they need me. I need to be there so my nieces dont forget who I am. When they forget me, it will destroy me. Moving here I feel like I have lost so much. I no longer have my career. I no longer have a purpose it seems in this life of mine. Jason and Noelle mean the world to me, and I am failing them as well. As stupid as it sounds I feel like if Jason loves me he wouldnt leave me. The Army is going to take him away and I will be without one more person who defines who I am. I will be without my best friend. I will be without the one person who knows me best. I hope by typing out these revelations it will help me. Help me figure out what is destroying me. Help me climb out of this black hole I find myself in. I cant be a good person like this. I realize I need to figure me out.