I'm going to school

I am so excited! I am going back to school to get my Bachelors in Psychology! I will be able to finally help people the way I want to. I still aspire to become and RN and work in OB again, but I will focus on this for now. I am excited to have some busy work while Jason is deployed. I think doing as much as I can will make time go by faster. I am excited to spend some one on one time with Noelle, and be mommy and daughter. She amazes me! She is so precious. I know together we will make it through the trials ahead of us. I'm excited to grow and change as a person!

Its slow but its happening

We moved to Germany 3 months ago. When we moved here I despised it. I missed home and wanted to go back. I found myself pretty depressed for awhile. 3 months later however, I am feeling alot better. I've gotten into a routine which helps. I have met some amazing women. I know that if I didnt meet CaeDee, Sarah, and Kelly I wouldnt be getting along as well. Its amazing how much having a few friends helps. I still miss home alot, but I have realized that I can live here and be okay. I can maintain all of my roles here. I can be a sister, daughter, aunt, and friend it just takes more work. I will be going home in a month and I honestly now dont know if that will be the best thing for me. Nice to figure that out now huh? I want to see my family, but I wonder if it will be the same stress when I get back to Germany. Will I go though that same grieving preocess? I dont like to be down and depressed. I feel some guilt for leaving all of my new friends when their husbands will be leaving them also. I feel like as a military wife I should be here to help them through their bad days. I'm the type of person who would feel guilty about anything and everything if it showed itself. I just have to make sure when I am in the states I continue to be in these ladies lives as much as possible from far away. The deployment is looming, and everyday it gets one step closer. I know that several wives are going to be losing their husbands VERY soon. I am unsure how prepared I am for this. I feel pretty strong. I dont want him to go but I know that I cant stop it. I am excited with my decision to go back to school! I have a goal and am ready to get it started. I decided I am going to work toward a Bachelors of Science in Human Relations. I think it will open up alot of job opportunities. If I dont get pregnant in the next month then I am going to try and get a part time job on post. I am actually ready for all of the upcoming changes. I am ready to continue to get to know the friends I already have and meet and make many more. I have realized Germany isnt so bad!

a Day Full Of Laughter

Me and my little family had an amazing day. We got up and moved pretty slow this morning but eventually made it to the Nuremberg zoo. When we got there the parking was crazy. We saw an open space and pulled in only realizing it wasnt really a parking spot. It was a German trick. LOL. So we go to back out of the spot, and the car behind us zooms past and takes the spot 4 spots down. Grrrrrrr. We couldnt believe the assholes who were driving that van. We got our tickets, although it was a challenge "talking" to the German kasse (cashier). The first exhibit was kangaroos. There was a little bitty Joey. After that exhibit we went and saw some little baby monkeys, and then were off to the Giraffes. We were watching them and one starts to pee. That was funny in and of its self, but then another giraffe leans in and drinks the pee like it was a water fountain! We were laughing so hard. We all agreed that seeing that was worth the drive, and parking frustration. We decided to sit down and eat some icecream and drink a coke in front of the horses. We were just sitting there and we see one horse lean in and start licking another horse genitals! So we were cracking up once again! Not only were the animals funny but so were the people. We saw a man wearing Capris! Jason called them Manpris! HAHA! The last exhibit we went to were the baboons. We stood and watched them for at least 45 minutes. There were several new babies, and they were very entertaining. There was one pretty dominant male who like to show off his penis. This baboon followed the girls around trying to get a piece the whole time. He only liked the girls who played hard to get though. He had one girl flashing her pink butt in his face and he didnt want any part of it. She walked in front of his face and stuck her finger in her butt to try and get him to notice. LOL. He could care less. After several failed attempts at humping many different girls he gave up and decided to masturbate. There was a baboon totally flashing his weiner, and stroking it. We were laughing so damn hard, and Jason was about to cry. At one point the big male followed a female to the highest point of a tree and mounted her there. To some this would sound perverse I guess, but to us it was just freaking funny. We havent laughed that hard and long in a long time!

To be or not to be preggo

That is the question! If I follow my heart I can honestly say I most definitely want to get preggo. If I follow my head I am so unsure. I wish I could matter of factly say I would be okay pregnant while Jason was gone. I am concerned because of my Lupus. It can drag me down, and drag me down fast and hard. I worry that if pregnancy does not happen now I will be getting to old to add another addition. I also selfishly I guess want to get pregnant to prove that I could do it, and handle it with grace. I guess leaving it in Gods hands is the way to go. I know that if he feels I can handle it then he will allow it to happen. I guess when other people start to doubt me and my decisions, then I start to doubt them as well. I have few people in my life who think this is a wise idea.

In Pain

I am so tired of being in pain. I feel like I am trapped in my own body. It places restrictions on what I can do, and what I can enjoy. I yearn to sleep tonight but I cant. I lay in pain, my legs burning. Every pressure point on my body throbbs. I feel like if I were a million seperate pieces I could rest peacefully. I cry because I dont know what else to do. What do you do when even medication does not ease the pain? I just want to be free of Lupus. Free from the chains it has placed on my exsistence.

Today is Mothers Day

and it has been wonderful so far. I loved waking up to the whispers of Noelle and Jason discussing their plans for the morning. I loved getting up and listening to Noelle run and tell Daddy that Mommy was awake. I loved the joy on her face as I read her card, and opened my gift. I am so blessed to be the mother to this wonderful little girl. She is so beautiful inside and out. I compare her to other kids and I am just blown away at how much better her behavior is than others. She is an amazing individual. My husband is such a fabulous man as well. They succeeded at making me feel super important.

The things that make you go Hmmmm

I found out yesterday that the Dr I used to work for in TN was found NOT GUILTY. I guess that is a great thing for his family, but I feel indifferent about it. The man was accused of rape and sexual abuse in Pennsylvania and then moved to TN and was charged with the same offenses. I guess because there was no physical evidence they couldnt really find him guilty. The jury only had the patients words to base their verdict on. I was laid off after he was charged and I feel that they did that on purpose. They knew that I was skeptical of the situation. I get angry to think that he may of possibly violated these young men and is walking free. It angers me to know that nurses were put on the stand and blatantly lied about what was happening. I guess it is over until the civil suit. I am interested to know if he will really be free.
I find myself extremely angry at my brother, and mother. They both have drug addiction problems. My mom is so high most of the time she cant even talk. My brother breaks into houses and steals medicine. He broke into the safe at my parents house the other day and my Dad wanted to call the cops and was told No by my Mom. It makes me mad because he is never going to learn if he doesnt have some consequences to his actions. He is an idiot. He has a infant baby girl, and fiancee and still acts like a moron. He is destroying his life, and they are going to go down with him. My family sits and watches what is happening and doesnt say a word. Its like they are aliens or something. I guess their thinking is "if we dont acknowledge what is happening then it cant be reality". So they are choosing to sit and watch both of them slowly kill themselves. I feel helpless because I am here in Germany and so far away. They like the fact that I am 9000 miles away because when I am there I make sure everyone knows what they are up too. We have been going through this with my brother since he was 15, and he is now 21. He has been in and out of rehab facilites, and psych wards. I think he needs to be turned in to the cops and placed in jail, to experience that for awhile. What he doesnt need is someone cleaning up his mess constantly. He doesnt need enablers and thats what he is surrounded by. Grrrrrrr it makes me cringe. I am going home for the summer and hope for their sake that things are taken care of. I'm tired of one family member destroying our family. He needs a good swift kick in the ass!