I feel so blessed

Do you ever feel like everything is just amazing? I have been married for almost 10 years and only in this past year have I truely felt happy. I attribute all of this happiness to GOD. I know that without him showing himself a year ago and becoming such a big part of our lives I wouldnt be married anymore. I have never felt so loved and in love as I do at this moment. I truly know now what LOVE feels like. Marriage is difficult. There is nothing "easy" about it. One of the keys to a successful marriage is teamwork. You have to be a team in every adventure and every battle. If someone is selfish and self loathing it wont work. I am amazed at how much someone changes from there twenties to there thirties. I understand why so many young marriages fail. Maturity is a big factor in the success of a marriage also.
For 9 years of our marriage God was not the center of our focus or our lives, and it showed. We struggled greatly. I am thankful that we found Pathways church and settled into the family there. I give major props to Pastor Brent Freeman and his family for welcoming us with open arms and really making us feel at home. I am beyond excited that I convinced Jason to go to this church after I had been a couple times. Brent runs a different kind of ship at Pathways. His preaching is amazing, and he is so down to earth.
Jason has turned into such a Godly man and it is so amazing to see the transformation. He thanks God daily, and talks so openly about him and what he has done for us. We realize we are blessed, and we love how secure that feels.
My marriage is great. I have a beautiful, healthy little girl. I am on the journey to a more healthy lifestyle. I am figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. The best part is we are talking about having another baby! That is a huge milestone in our life because we swore we would never have another baby. I think it will be amazing to create another life when we are so in love with eachother. I know that this experience will be amazing. I am excited about life and what it has to offer. I am ready to experience everything. As long as I have God, Jason, and Noelle I am complete.

Mind is running on hyperdrive...

OMG I am laying here bawling. I just feel so overwhelmed with life right now. Have you ever felt like you were suffocating? Gaaaahhhh! In less than a month Jason will be in Germany. The stressful part is I don't know if me and Noelle will be with him. I would have some comfort and peace of mind if I knew for sure. Right now I am stuck. I cant do anything else until Jason graduates. My hands are tied and its driving me crazy. There's EFMP crap that needs to be sent to Germany but I cant find anyone to send it. Hmmmm. I have my trip to TX in the midst of everything to see my hubby graduate. This trip is a cost that we really don't have the money for with the upcoming move. I am letting some bills slide to make sure I have the cash for our trip. Once I get to TX I will have to deal with the Army run-a-round. Gotta love that. Plus I have the constant drama with my family...my Mom. I wish I could depend on her to talk to and help me through all this emotionally, but I can't. So anyway gonna continue to stress and pray. I need to learn to give my worries to God, but I have difficulty with that. Really I know worrying about everything isn't going to change the outcome. When I have my husbands arms wrapped around me again, I will feel some relief.

Who do I want to be?

I am almost 30 years old and still do not know what I want to do with my life. I am the type of person who puts everyone first and doesn't think of myself. I had my daughter before I had a career. Not the best plans in the world but even 8 years ago I didn't know who I wanted to be. When Noelle was 15 months I went to nursing school. I never thought of going into the nursing field until I had my daughter. I loved my L&D nurse and she really touched my life. I went to school for 1 year and eventually got my LPN license. That year was SO hard, going to school all day and taking care of my daughter at night while the hubby worked 2nd shift. I felt accomplished and felt like I finally was doing something I wanted to do. The beginning of my career was very fulfilling. I actually LOVED it. I worked with a OBGYN Dr. and loved the relationships I built with these women. I felt like I was making a difference in peoples lives. I left that job for a 4 dollar an hr increase at a Family Practice/Acute Care Clinic. I loved the people I worked with but didn't enjoy the patients. It has been that way for about 3 years now. So I have been unemployed for almost a year and am trying to figure out what I want to do. I have passion for people. I know that I want to help people. I am considering going to school for humanitarian work, or social services. I am taking Medical Transcriptions courses, but I HATE it. It is so boring and doesn't challenge me at all. I hope I can figure out who I am and where God wants me to be placed in this world.

Penquins

I'm watching "Happy Feet" with my daughter and the penguin is fascinating if you think about it. They search and find their one true love, and stay together forever. How amazing is a love like that? I wonder how out of all the black and white tuxedos the penguin knows where to find their family? The penguin female and male are away from each other for months, while the female searches for food. The father takes care of the egg, and the child once it hatches. How backward is that from our society?
For some reason in our society it is seen as the woman's job to care for the child while the man "hunts". Do you think God gave us this intellect? How did we get this mentality?
Then my mind wanders to what if we as humans were all the same? What if there weren't different colors, and nationalities? Would we as the human race know how to find our loved one? Would we just act stupid and still fight because we were the same. I have a feeling that there would still be those individuals that even though they looked like everyone else; they would have to exercise their superiority.
The way the penguin goes through life is really honorable. It shows their character, and intelligence.
I don't know where any of this is going exactly. I guess just me typing out what I think, and what I wonder.

Today is the day!

After 14 LONG days I will get to here Jason's voice again. It has been misery not having my hubby, my best friend to talk to every night. I miss him terribly and feel so lost when I have no communication. So I am patiently waiting for that call or text today. Patiently is very loosely written. LOL.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is very hard for some people to grasp. Sometimes its easier to say "I'm Sorry" than it is to fully forgive someone. I find that often times people hold on to grudges and cant set themselves free.
I was reading in Genesis last night about Joseph and his brothers. Because Jacob favored Joseph his brothers were jealous. Joesph had two dreams and in them people were bowing down to him, his brothers, and father included. This made his brothers even more mad. They decided to sell him to some travelers, and put sheep's blood on his robe to make it look like he was attacked. Because his brothers did this Joseph actually led a very fulfilled life with the Pharaoh. There came a time when Josephs brothers went into Egypt in search of grain for there family. They bowed before Joseph (not knowing it was him). Joesph helped them by giving back the money they paid for grain, along with the grain. In the end Joseph ends up letting them know that it was him all along. Josephs father dies, and the brothers are worried that Joseph will take revenge for all of their wrong doings. Instead Joesph tells them that he forgives them. He says because of his forgiveness look at all of the fortune that has been given.
I began to really think about forgiveness and what good can come from fully forgiving. It may be hard, and difficult in the beginning, but it really is the best thing to do. Love one another. Try and see the good in everyone. While something is said to you that makes no sense and hurts you, try and see where the individual is coming from. Sometimes there are a lot of internal and external factors to why someone acts a certain way. I hope that I can always take these Bible verses, and apply them to my life right now.

I dont get it?

Is there ever someone in your life that you dont think will ever understand you? I do! I dont understand where she is coming from ever! We used to be so clase and had a wonderful relationship and now its almost obselete. It hurts so much because its my Mom. The one person I need right now is constantly putting me down, and picking fights. Sometimes I dont even recognize her anymore. She has changed so much in the past 8 years. Sometimes it feels like she is two different people. I am at the point where I just want to give up and throw in the towel. I dont know how to get thru to her or make her understand what she is doing.

Grrrrrr

Today I am hating being a military wife. All of the paperwork, and stress of trying to get everything done so me and Noelle can be on that plane with Jason is really wearing me down. I have so many questions and I get so few answers, or I get a million conflicting answers! I called a OCONUS woman to find out where to send our medical paperwork, and she proceeds to tell me that unless Jason re-enlists and extends we cant go with him. WTH! I burst into tears. I feel like I get 2 steps ahead and am making progress and then we get that thrown at us. Basically he has to have 36 months left on his contract in order for us to go with him, and he will only have 34 months. I feel like the Army is forcing us to re-enlist. At this point in time we are just trying to finish our 3 years and move on to a new chapter of our life. At this point in time we dont want to extend the time in the Army. I am so angry and confused, and I just want to talk to Jason and I cant, because he is in the stupid field. Days like this I want my life back. I want my husband home with me at night. I just want to talk to my best friend.
Oh and I had a friend ask me if Jason joined the Army as a cop out...WTH! Are you serious? Even if you were thinking that why would you say it. I dont feel that I should have to explain the decisions we made as a family to everyone all the time. Sometimes its okay to step out of your comfort zone and experience something new and different. Yeah you may not like it after you try it, but at least you have that on your lists of accomplishments. Its just been a rough day and I need to hear "I love you" from a man I cant talk too.

The Message

I went and bought "The Message/Solo" Devotional study Bible and read the 1st lesson today. It was awesome! Usually I dont understand the Bible or what is going on, but this Bible is written in this day and time. I could follow what was written, and then it asked you questions and made you think. I spent 45 minutes studying the word. I felt closer to God and that was great too. I hope that every night is as good as this one. I know that this year is going to be tough and I am going to need God right beside me helping me get thru the days.

Missin him and my Army life thus far

So I am a new military wife, and am in the learning process. My hubby joined the Army and left June 30th for basic training. Those first few weeks without him were hard, and numbing really. I had been married for 9 1/2 years and together with my hubby for 11. We were rarely apart. The first few days of having him gone I felt empty, scared, mad, lonely, and so on and so on. I think I felt every emotion humanly possible. I started getting letters weekly, and I would get a 10 minute phone call every Sunday , and I just dealt with his abscence. He graduated from basic on September 11th. I was a nervouse wreck. When I finally saw him standing at attention in his ACU's I was so proud. I just wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around him. Once I finally got to be with him it felt horribly awkward. I hadnt seen or really talked to him in 9 weeks. I didnt know what to do. It felt like I was meeting him for the first time all over again. I was afraid that he was different, and felt different about me. My MIL and BIL took my daughter to the store when we got back to the hotel so we could be alone. The first few minutes alone were strange. My hubby finally asked me if I was okay. I told him it was just wierd and different. Once he kissed me though everything came back. I was no longer nervous or scared...I was happy. When he had to leave again it was horrible as expected. He journeyed on to AIT and this experience was different. Now I got to talk to him everyday, and text. He could use the computer to chat. It was amazing but caused problems sometimes too. I found that being able to talk to him all the time made me angry some days. I got mad that he could talk to me but he couldnt be here if that makes sense. We spent 3 months apart and then the hubby came home for Christmas Exodus. That 2 weeks was awesome! The awkwardness that I felt during basic wasnt there at all. I was just so excited to have him home, playing the hubby and Daddy role again. I had him there to lay with me at night, and play with our daughter. I had a reason to cook a big meal and shave my legs. I had someone to take out the trash! We all fell into our roles within our family unit and I loved it. Then day 15 came around and he had to leave again. It was hard. I have to say that this good bye was easier than the basic graduation but it was hard none the less. So now he has been in the field for 11 days and their is no contact. No phone calls, no letters, no texts and I hate it. I miss him like crazy. I miss having my best friend to talk to every night. I can handle not seeing him but taking away my communication is not okay.
Do I like being a Army wife? I dont know. In the beginning I HATED it. It was a change and change is never easy. I cant say I love it...I for sure dont love it. I am about 20% right now. I am hoping that once I am on a Army base with other wives I will enjoy the experience more. Right now I am 900 miles away from my husband taking care of my little girl by myself, around people who dont understand what I am going thru. I have friends who question my situation, and that makes me angry. I do have a newfound respect and understanding for military wives, and spouses. This life is difficult. There is alot of pressure on the spouse to take care of everything while their soldier protects the world. I am beyond proud of my hubby. I love him more today than 6 months ago. I am still trying to be a Army wife. I hope I get there someday but if I dont I will have definitly given it my all.

So I'm fat and unhappy

So I have never had good self esteem or confidence. I am unsure if I will ever gain the positive attitude needed to really love myself. Right now as usual I am fighting with my body image. I'm FAT. There is no maybe...its pretty obvious. In 2004 I lost 50-60 pounds and felt so much better about myself. Of course now the year 2010 I am right back where I was in 2004 before the weight loss. I'm not happy with the way I look ,yet I do nothing about it. Makes me sound ignorant really. I consciously think about it every time I eat. Before I eat the cookie I think about how I will hate myself for having eaten it, but I still eat it. One of my problems is that I am a emotional eater. Being a military wife and having the hubby gone all the time is stress in and of itself...so I eat. I have to handle the finances and its stressful...so I eat. I hate the rolls on my belly. I hate that I have to lay on the bed to zip up my pants. I hate that I cant be who I want to be because I am hidden beneath layers of grotesque fat. I don't want to be like this. I really don't. I guess I have to make it through the mental game to really get the push start that I need. I continually say that I will start tomorrow...but tomorrow comes and I eat the cookie again. Its a vicious circle. I have plans to be that gorgeous fit blond beauty my husband remembers, and craves. I just don't know when my plans will start.

So this is my blog...Hmmm

I decided to start a blog to express myself. Sometimes I sit and think about all kinds of things and wonder if anyone else thinks up the crazy stuff that I come up with. Sometimes I wonder who I am. Where did I come from? Not literally of course :) I look at my parents, brothers, and sisters, and I am not like them at all. I may look like them but my personality is all my own. I guess its good that I am an individual with my own views and opinions. I find however that since I am so different I am misunderstood by my family.