A rat in a cage

Do you ever feel like the walls around you are closing in? Do you feel like you have no freedom? I feel as I sit in this hotel room, that I am losing my breath. I feel as if the ceiling is hovering above me, and the walls are closing. I feel like I am suffocating. I have never had a moment such as this where I am stuck in one place. I have always had a vehicle I could run to and get away. Being here on this base with no car, and living in a hotel has been so hard. I need my space. I need my own space. I need my family. I need my friends. Living 9000 miles from home is a lonely feeling. I am blessed to be here with my loving husband, and wonderful daughter, but that doesnt fill the loss in my heart from leaving my mother, father, sisters, brothers, nieces, and amazing friends. Sometimes when I felt I needed to run away, I could run to a friends house. I could call someone and vent, and feel better. Here I am having to depend on people I dont know. Sometimes I get tired of hearing people say to "enjoy the adventure". I plan to get out, and about and enjoy myself, but that doesnt help with being away from home. That doesnt replace the kisses, and hugs I am missing from my little babies. I hear my husband say "I wish I could make you happy", and it infuriates me. This has nothing to do with my happiness within my marriage, with him. I wish he knew how happy he makes me. Alot of this insecurity has to do with Jason leaving me in a few months. He is going to be deployed and I am going to be alone again. I cannot find calmness in that reality. I cannot be okay with that reality. Me being an army wife is new. Its 8 months new. I still dont feel that this is the life for me, but I work through those feelings to make the best of what my life is right now. I dont like being a part-time wife. I am a full-time mother, but a part-time wife. I want to be the best wife possible. When Jason is gone to training and soon a deployment I dont feel like a wife. When I walk beside him in his ACU's and I cant hold his hand I dont feel like a wife. I cannot help but feel so empty. I hate to sound selfish but I want some part of my life to be about me. I want to be spoiled. I know that makes me sound so nasty but thats what I want. Since Jason joined the Army, I dont feel like I attribute anything. I feel like I have lost pieces of myself. I feel like my entire focus has to be on Jason and Noelle, and taking care of everything in the household. I cant think about my career and what I want to do with it. I cant ever be by myself. I am so emotionally broken right now from leaving my family and friends, and then in 3 months I will be without a husband, and in a foreign country. It is terrifying.

A change in me?

I started working out last Monday. I went 5 days last week and feel great. Well physically I feel like crap because I am so out of shape, but internally I feel wonderfully. Amazing how taking an hour out of your day to do something to better yourself makes you feel so great! I hope to see physical results soon, but I am enjoying the self esteem boost this is giving me. I am trying hard not to focus on the numbers shown to me on the scale, but thats hard sometimes. I am trying however to focus on how I feel. How do my clothes feel? That is what I need to pay attention to. I am tryng hard to lose these mounds of excess weight, so I can get healthy enough to try for that little boy we want so badly. I have to be physically healthy for me and him. Not to mention when I get this extra 60 pounds off I will feel pretty again. I feel so disgusted with myself as I am right now. I dont know how my hubby looks at me naked. I dont like to look at myself naked at all. I feel a change within me however, and that excites me. I feel good about the positive changes I am starting. I want to be that sexy blonde girl, Jason met 12 years ago. When he comes back from deployment I want him to never leave again. I will get there, eventually.

We made it to Germany

I am sitting on the hotel floor here in Germany. We got off the plane onto German soil yesterday morning. I walked off the plane and wanted to run back on. I was scared of all things unfamiliar. I am happy to be here with my husband and daughter, but I miss the rest of my family I left behind. I feel so out of place here. We were told we will be in the hotel for quite some time, as the waiting list is in the 70's. That should be an experience. I went on my first real trip to the Commisary today. My first trip as a military wife, living on base. That was exciting I guess. I feel a bit depressed, and I dont know if that is jet lag, or all of the emotions related to the move. I cant stop looking forward to Jasons deployment and freaking out. I think goodness I am so unhappy right now, I cant imagine doing this without him here. I planned on traveling around Europe but now I am terrified. I see how people get comfortable on base and never want to leave. Its definitely a whole new world out there. I miss home....Alot.