A rat in a cage

Do you ever feel like the walls around you are closing in? Do you feel like you have no freedom? I feel as I sit in this hotel room, that I am losing my breath. I feel as if the ceiling is hovering above me, and the walls are closing. I feel like I am suffocating. I have never had a moment such as this where I am stuck in one place. I have always had a vehicle I could run to and get away. Being here on this base with no car, and living in a hotel has been so hard. I need my space. I need my own space. I need my family. I need my friends. Living 9000 miles from home is a lonely feeling. I am blessed to be here with my loving husband, and wonderful daughter, but that doesnt fill the loss in my heart from leaving my mother, father, sisters, brothers, nieces, and amazing friends. Sometimes when I felt I needed to run away, I could run to a friends house. I could call someone and vent, and feel better. Here I am having to depend on people I dont know. Sometimes I get tired of hearing people say to "enjoy the adventure". I plan to get out, and about and enjoy myself, but that doesnt help with being away from home. That doesnt replace the kisses, and hugs I am missing from my little babies. I hear my husband say "I wish I could make you happy", and it infuriates me. This has nothing to do with my happiness within my marriage, with him. I wish he knew how happy he makes me. Alot of this insecurity has to do with Jason leaving me in a few months. He is going to be deployed and I am going to be alone again. I cannot find calmness in that reality. I cannot be okay with that reality. Me being an army wife is new. Its 8 months new. I still dont feel that this is the life for me, but I work through those feelings to make the best of what my life is right now. I dont like being a part-time wife. I am a full-time mother, but a part-time wife. I want to be the best wife possible. When Jason is gone to training and soon a deployment I dont feel like a wife. When I walk beside him in his ACU's and I cant hold his hand I dont feel like a wife. I cannot help but feel so empty. I hate to sound selfish but I want some part of my life to be about me. I want to be spoiled. I know that makes me sound so nasty but thats what I want. Since Jason joined the Army, I dont feel like I attribute anything. I feel like I have lost pieces of myself. I feel like my entire focus has to be on Jason and Noelle, and taking care of everything in the household. I cant think about my career and what I want to do with it. I cant ever be by myself. I am so emotionally broken right now from leaving my family and friends, and then in 3 months I will be without a husband, and in a foreign country. It is terrifying.

A change in me?

I started working out last Monday. I went 5 days last week and feel great. Well physically I feel like crap because I am so out of shape, but internally I feel wonderfully. Amazing how taking an hour out of your day to do something to better yourself makes you feel so great! I hope to see physical results soon, but I am enjoying the self esteem boost this is giving me. I am trying hard not to focus on the numbers shown to me on the scale, but thats hard sometimes. I am trying however to focus on how I feel. How do my clothes feel? That is what I need to pay attention to. I am tryng hard to lose these mounds of excess weight, so I can get healthy enough to try for that little boy we want so badly. I have to be physically healthy for me and him. Not to mention when I get this extra 60 pounds off I will feel pretty again. I feel so disgusted with myself as I am right now. I dont know how my hubby looks at me naked. I dont like to look at myself naked at all. I feel a change within me however, and that excites me. I feel good about the positive changes I am starting. I want to be that sexy blonde girl, Jason met 12 years ago. When he comes back from deployment I want him to never leave again. I will get there, eventually.

We made it to Germany

I am sitting on the hotel floor here in Germany. We got off the plane onto German soil yesterday morning. I walked off the plane and wanted to run back on. I was scared of all things unfamiliar. I am happy to be here with my husband and daughter, but I miss the rest of my family I left behind. I feel so out of place here. We were told we will be in the hotel for quite some time, as the waiting list is in the 70's. That should be an experience. I went on my first real trip to the Commisary today. My first trip as a military wife, living on base. That was exciting I guess. I feel a bit depressed, and I dont know if that is jet lag, or all of the emotions related to the move. I cant stop looking forward to Jasons deployment and freaking out. I think goodness I am so unhappy right now, I cant imagine doing this without him here. I planned on traveling around Europe but now I am terrified. I see how people get comfortable on base and never want to leave. Its definitely a whole new world out there. I miss home....Alot.

I'm freaking the flip out! Calm me down please!

OMG we are supposed to fly out to Germany on the 28th. So far however we are not on the hubbys orders. So we are waiting to hear back from Germany! WTF! Right now we are at a stand still. I cant do anything and its driving me crazy! I want to pull my hair out! Literally! Less than 3 weeks and we have not contacted the company that picks up our household goods...our car needs taken to port..we need our no fee passports done. None of this we can do without these damn orders! My landlord called tonight and she has a new tenant to move in on the 1st because we were supposed to be flying to Germany. Gah! So I am going to have to hurt someone if we dont get these ammended orders. We called the airline today and found out that our flight time is full and we cant fly our pets with us. Grrrrrrr. So we have to have a new plan. Also they are going to cost 400 dollars to fly. I am aggravated, and irritated, that we are at this point! Trying to stay positivr but its hard. Trying to give my worries to God but that to is hard when the hits keep coming. :(

He's Home

We finally made it home, and I have my husband with me. It feels amazing to fall asleep with him and wake up next to him in the morning. There has been so much emptiness, and loneliness over the past 8 months. Having him here seems to erase all of that. I feel blessed to have my husband, and my daughter. I know that with them I can walk through life. I am excited for our future.

We're going to fight

GAH!!!!! We found out today that Jason may not be able to leave Ft. Sam. Jason graduates tomorrow, and is supposed to leave with us to drive home. However the Army says "NO"! He got his paper orders on Monday and they said "Unaccompanied pending medical screen". So I sent the EFMP papers through fax on Tuesday and they were sent to Germany (i guess). Jason also had to extend his contract for 2 months, so the new prders had to be done due to that also. So we find out today that he will have to stay here until the new orders are cut. That is such an inconvienence!!! We are already so strapped for cash with this trip and the upcoming move. Now I am going to have to figure out how to pay for more hotel rooms, food, and gas. If his orders dont get cut tomorrow we will have to stay through the weekend until Monday. My daughter is already missing 4 days of school this week due to the original dates for this trip. I dont want her to miss much more school. Jason is supposed to report for hometown recruiting on Monday also. I am so frustrated! Also I sat for 3 hours today waiting to see him for "family day". We finally got him and he had to be back in 2 1/2 hours! We hardly got to see eachother at all. I am ready to throw a temper tantrum due to all of this! How long can they keep my husband? Also I would go ahead and leave to drive home tomorrow, but we cant afford to fly Jason home later, and the Army wont pay for his travel home. Pisses me off!

Traveling to TX and other stuff....

I left yesterday to journey to San Antonio TX to pick up my hubby. It was a 900+ mile trip...GAH! Me and Noelle left yesterday at 6 a.m. and stopped in Mt Pleasant, TX for the night after 8 1/2 hours. Yesterday the car ride went really smooth. I didnt have much trouble staying awake. We stayed in a Comfort Inn and the front desk lady was the nicest lady I have ever met. She acted like she really liked her job. You dont run into many poeple who genuinely like their job anymore. She really made us comfortable and Noelle loved her. She gave Noelle free popcorn and cookies, so of course Noelle thought she was nice. We got up and ate breakfast at the hotel. Noelle had a huge waffle, in the shape of TX. We thought that was really neat and took a picture of it. Noelle also got to see her very first palm tree and thought that was awesome. We got up and finished our trip this morning at 8:30 a.m. We arrived at our hotel at 3 p.m. The GPS took me off of the interstate and onto some crazy highways through little podunk towns. Got to San Antonio and it is crazy busy here. Cars flying everywhere! Tomorrow I have my fingers crossed that I will get to see my hubby, but its the Armys ultimate decision. Hoping we get to see him and get our No Fee passport ordered.
We have gotten some stuff done for our upcoming trip to Germany. Jasons orders are in the process of being ammended, so we can fly with him. We have our plane ticket booked! Its all becoming more real. Its scary but exciting!